Supporting a Perfectionist

Your child melts down over mistakes, won't try things unless they can do them perfectly

Steps

Model making mistakes yourself: 'Oops, I spelt that wrong! Never mind, I'll fix it'
Introduce 'good enough' language: 'This doesn't have to be perfect, just done'
Celebrate 'brave mistakes': mistakes made while trying something new
Avoid over-praising results. Praise the process and effort instead
Read stories together about characters who fail and try again

What you need

Modelling mistakes yourself, patience, process-focused praise

Why it works

Perfectionism in autistic and ADHD children is often anxiety-driven — they've learned that mistakes lead to unpredictable reactions, or their rigid thinking makes errors feel catastrophic. Modelling your own mistakes and celebrating brave attempts gradually teaches that imperfection is safe and survivable.

Age guidance

Can appear from age 4 onwards. Often intensifies around ages 7-10 as academic demands increase and self-comparison with peers begins.

Real-world example

A parent started deliberately making small mistakes in front of their child — misspelling a word, burning the toast — and narrating their response: 'Oops! Oh well, I'll try again.' Their child, who used to rip up any drawing that wasn't perfect, started saying 'it's OK, it's just a mistake' to themselves.

Troubleshooting

Perfectionism is often driven by anxiety. Address the anxiety alongside the behaviour
If they rip up or destroy work, give them a 'parking lot' for imperfect work to revisit later
Avoid 'it's not a big deal'. To them, it IS a big deal. Validate first, then reframe